


Our love story didn't start as one

by Miss Hiraya (Miss_Hiraya)



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Author loves angst, Bucky falls first, Bucky needs a hug, Clint Needs a Hug, Deaf Clint Barton, Fluff and angst laterrr, Friends With Benefits, I swear, M/M, Not Beta Read, Unrequited Love, and regrets nothing, but it gets better
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-26
Updated: 2016-05-31
Packaged: 2018-07-10 06:55:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6971569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miss_Hiraya/pseuds/Miss%20Hiraya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thing number four: Bucky is in love and is kinda late for realizing that. So he’s afraid it’s gonna mess whatever comfort this current relationship is giving. He’s afraid that one move and he’ll lose this one relationship he has aside from his best friend’s.  </p><p>He kind of wishes they hadn't started so backward about this stuff.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

So here’s the thing: Bucky is in love.

  
When one thinks about it, especially in the shoes of the human embodiment of all that’s good in America, it’s all but a bad news, right? Mostly because your best friend, after taking seventy years’ worth of shit from HYDRA, being turned into a puppet and soulless killer, who’s currently struggling piecing himself back together, is now in love! And that’s just _grand_ , because it means that James may not be the same as he was before but at least he is starting to build his life enough to be able to pay attention to his feelings for a living person other than Steve.

  
Although, when you think in the shoes of one brainwashed, fucked-up, ex-HYDRA asset, and the Winter Soldier himself, this whole thing is just like an impending disaster- a field trip across a minefield with a hurricane at your tail kind of disaster.

  
Bucky is doomed. Because the thing number two is, he’s in love with the human walking disaster himself, Clinton Francis Barton.

  
It’s not even because the archer’s got no looks to show. The man has gorgeous biceps and glorious ass to feast upon. Actually, Bucky knows to himself that he’s got a thing for blond snipers with a smart mouth and cocky attitude. He’s also hooked even more at the mere fact that the sniper can make HYDRA’s scientists who made the Winter Soldier run for their money. Bucky can tell this much, because he’s seen the other guy do feats that even he himself can’t imagine doing. He’s also deaf and out of everyone in the team, the only human that wasn’t a science experiment, a guy wearing a super science suit, a god, a genius billionaire in an Iron suit, an artificial intelligence possessing an Infinity stone, a king in a Vibranium suit, or someone trained how to kill a target ten ways with a paperclip at the age of eight in the Red Room. He’s a guy with a bow and arrows, an extremely good eyesight, a body trained into a living weapon, and a brilliant mind of a tactician.

  
Ever since coming to live with the growing dysfunctional family of superheroes one year ago, Bucky has learned each of its members and how they gained their respective titles in the field. Learning Barton’s was and shouldn’t affect him this way just like it hadn’t when he learned about the others.

  
But it did, but it’s not just because he’s Hawkeye, the self-proclaimed king of sass aside from the world’s greatest marksman. It’s because Bucky’s started noticing things… Things that made Barton a little more of a puzzle, an enigma. Things that made Bucky want to look deeper beyond the good sense of humor and cockiness. Things that ultimately made his growing feelings of respect turn into something more affectionate.

  
But wait, he almost forgets mentioning thing number three. It involves being in bed with the said archer, doing the do.

Except, no strings attached. How long, you ask? About three months into Bucky’s life in the tower, he thinks. For James, It started when he still didn’t know how to deal with most things, like his memories and the lack of it. Barton knew what it felt like, and they bonded over that. He can’t speak for the other, but Bucky thinks he knows why this set-up between them even started at all. It’s twisted in a way that would make Steve Rogers, or anyone in the team, disapprove thoroughly.

  
It’s about the pain when they leave bruises and bleeding scratches, the breathlessness when they chase out each other’s air of their lungs, the rough and numbing feeling that won’t ever amount to the punishment they think is enough for what they’ve done. The emptiness that gets a little better and worse at the same time after one of them leaves. The secrecy that they share because he doesn’t think anyone could ever understand the need, the reason, and the fact that they’re just two broken people despite their attempts to pick up the pieces every damn time.

  
Barton understood him that they didn’t need to speak much to agree that this thing between them is anything but _love_.

  
Bucky knows this was a mess right from the start, and this was a bomb bound to blow up in their faces in a spectacular fashion. But he never would’ve guessed that it was he himself who’s going to set off the trigger.

  
Because the thing is, he fell in love when it was pretty clear he shouldn’t.

  
It started with the little things, like a simple dot on the paper.

One morning, when Bucky was contemplating which cereal he would dish out from the cupboard, Barton just sort of stumbled his way to the kitchen with a hair bearing a grudge against the laws of gravity and eyes just barely open to notice he was heading for the counter edge. The resulting low whine was by all means unfitting of a grown up man, let alone a grown up assassin, and Bucky found himself smiling secretly. Natasha saved him the trouble of dealing a pre-caffeine archer though, as she casually appeared in the room and produced a mug of steaming coffee which was immediately snatched away from her grip. Bruce followed, steering a zombie Stark, and the feeling of normalcy in this dysfunctional family was almost enough to distract him from noticing Clint gripping the mug and inhaling the scalding liquid as he slowly revives to the land of the living.

  
Bucky also noticed the way he valued his weapon so much that he’d croon and talk to it like it was his baby. It probably was.

Then, after having a close encounter with the blond’s blue orbs courtesy of a villain of the week shooting at the archer and him getting him out of the bullet’s way, he became fascinated with the color of his eyes. They’re blue, light and almost gray, but Bucky learned quickly that the shades of his eyes could change in the slightest and that would mean a completely different mood for the archer. Sometimes, they light up in mischief and the blue becomes more of the clear New York’s skies. Often, it’s the kind of blue that holds a charm of a person who can make the ladies swoon, and even make Natasha laugh.

Sometimes, they harden like metal, looking like a predator eyeing its prey behind his arrow; or of the sea, calm before a storm, as he becomes the voice of rationality in the times Steve and Tony get into their marital spat mid-battle. And then there are times before their pants get thrown for a steamy sex, Bucky gets a glimpse of a cold abyss in them.

Perhaps the one hue he thinks more about was the one he witnessed was when one time, the fight strayed close enough to an orphanage and they almost didn’t got there in time before a fourteen-month old baby girl was about to be crushed along with other children inside. The child had not stopped crying, even when in the arms of the nuns managing the orphanage, and Barton’s heart would’ve melted on the ground if it could, because he then abandoned retrieving his arrows and sort of just suggested if he can hold the baby. The nun, seeing the baby’s cry subsiding as the archer approached even with the dirty, post-battle get-up, smiled kindly and handed the little bundle into Barton’s strong arms. Barton had let the baby face him as he greeted her in a soft, gentle voice, lips curving in a way that he rarely does.

  
“Hey, beautiful.” He said and that was enough to fill the otherwise chaotic roadside with a hearty giggle, a tiny fist smacking at Barton’s cheek.

Pictures immediately spread on the internet, all with the female population cooing at the adorable moment. For Bucky though, it was the eyes he couldn’t forget, full of kindness and warmth. The kind of blue that just speaks of calm and safety.

  
His laugh came next. Even with the patented Barton-humor, his laugh was another thing. Barton always laughed with his shoulders tensing up, figure shaking as he throws his head back, mouth open.He also has the weirdest laugh out of all of them, low and rich, but also scratchy like sandpaper.

  
Barton’s penchant for music also didn’t get unnoticed. When he’s bored enough, he’d pick is drumsticks and start drumming on any surface available. When he gets drunk, he’d sing like it was nobody’s business but his and it’s only a good thing that he has a passable singing voice. He’s also a goofball, and takes pleasure in pranking any unsuspecting person inside the compound. For a circus kid, he can be pretty clumsy especially without caffeine in his system. And he also has the Barton-luck which is mostly the source of his human car crash tendencies.

  
He likes shooting things with anything he can find, and can be deadly if he means to. He loses his cool more often in video games but can stay eerily calm even when a building is about to bury him alive.

But Clint Barton is also an enigma. And even though he seemed to be a pretty chill guy, discovering a darker side to him was another thing.

He should’ve really seen this one coming, right? Because hello, fuckbuddies. Bucky should’ve known at least that Barton was not just any man. He’s also a guy with lots of issues, and that’s why their dysfunctional relationship works in the first place.

  
One time he got an earful from the responsible parents coughTonycoughSteve for doing something real dumb like jumping in the way of Captain America when the guy was about to get hit with the villain of the week’s cloning device. The whole team was forced to sit through it in the briefing, too.

  
“What we’re you thinking, Clint?! What if that was supposed to shoot you into splinters?! You can’t just rely on your luck all the time, that was reckless! “

Barton, stubborn as a mule merely snorted, “Well, it didn’t. And my luck just saved us the whole day fighting what could’ve been an army of blond supersoldiers in exchange for dumb archer minions. You’re welcome. “

“That’s not the point, and you know it. You could’ve been killed! – “Steve fired back.

“And if it was you, America would be drowning in grief. ” The sniper rolled his eyes. “Surprisingly, I do know what’s in my job description. Now, I hope you aren’t just saying that to spite me, Cap. I know you mean well. But I’ve been in this business enough to know the danger of my job. And I’m not going to apologize for saving your sorry supersoldier ass because honestly, I’m an hour late for my Dog Cops marathon because we’re here debating whether I should do my job or leave it to the guys with a hero complex, so long as I get to wear a suit. ”

With those words, the archer left the room leaving an awkward silence for everyone. Natasha shrugged, urged them to hurry along the briefing. When it’s done, she disappeared to somewhere else along with the others, Wanda following and thinking about something maybe to appease his more of like a surrogate brother.

Bucky didn’t say anything. In his mind, all he could hear were the unspoken words left hanging in the air. He could see the meaning of the other jumping from crashing buildings and risking his limbs to put others before himself. Surprisingly he found his chest aching with the sudden realization.

Bucky then started to notice the other things like the faraway and detached look Barton has when he thinks nobody is paying attention, the way he’s never hesitated to gamble take risks even at the expense of his own self in the field, the way he’s never really given himself away despite being talkative and friendly, the way he makes everything-most especially himself- a joke, or the way he drags himself throughout the day when everyone thinks he’s just being lazy.

“I’m sorry about Steve. He’s just.. You know, his usual self. “ Bucky paused midway through pulling Barton’s boxers and looked up to a confused, if not a bit thrown off, archer at the sudden change of rules that involves no talking and specially not about the feels stuff.

  
Barton regained the pace, pressing his fingers on Bucky’s lips. Grinning like it never happened, he spoke lightly. “I don’t think you’re actually here to apologize?"

 

“I figured I should tell you. You know. He doesn’t mean it that way.”

  
“Oh, I know he doesn’t mean it. Anyway, it if he does mean it, it won’t make much of a difference. He’s right, out everyone in this team I’m more likely to kick the bucket first. That doesn’t mean I’d just let anything happen to his supersoldier ass, though. America would be so heartbroken. Now Shhh….. Sex now. Feels talks later. “

More like _never_ , Bucky corrected the other inside his head. They’re both experts at avoiding these topics, which was one of the purposes of their no-strings attached encounters. Bucky broke that, and he’s afraid for a moment that he also broke whatever that’s left holding them together in this mess.

Thing number four: Bucky is in love and is kinda late for realizing that. So he’s afraid it’s gonna mess whatever comfort this current relationship is giving. He’s afraid that one move and he’ll lose this one relationship he has aside from his best friend’s.  

He kind of wishes they hadn't started so backwards about this stuff. 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, he told himself, running a hand over his face as he finished monologuing in front of a mirror. This wasn’t his first rodeo into a shit storm. He’ll just do what he usually does- lock these stupid feelings away, throw the key in the place along with the memories he’s trying to forget, and wait for everything to go back to normal. That should be easy enough.
> 
> Spoilers, it isn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Clint's POV.

  
Clint is so screwed.

  
Given how his life turned out, it shouldn’t be a surprise. He’s heard from a lot of people how his life is basically a barely manageable mess on the best days, and how he’s a walking magnet for trouble.

But he is. And on the Barton scale, this current mess actually ranks high as in “oh, fuck. This is gonna be hell.” A few things rank that high, and most of them involves the f-word:, the kind that he’s been adamantly not paying attention to because he thinks it’s what makes his life a mess in the first place

Yes, feelings.

And given Clint’s history of relationships that either blew spectacularly in his face, or crashed down a cliff and unto a torrent of angry sea waves, it’s only natural for him to be able to predict where this is going to end. Because if having feelings for someone is bad enough, then having said feelings for a certain James Buchanan Barnes- ex-Winter Soldier and currently a broken-but-slowly-healing best friend of Steve Rogers- is gonna end up in flames. And Clint just knows he’s gonna be sitting in the middle of that, watching the whole thing burn like a house under fire.

  
And as if to mock his commendable decision skills, Clint is reminded that he and Barnes? They’ve started opposite from that. It’s a lot complicated than it looks like, but in simpler terms they were friends… with benefits. Like, the sexual kind of benefits. Fuckbuddies. No strings attached physical relationship? The fuck and forget? Okay, his brain is admittedly not in its best moment right now.

But you get it, right? ~~_Oh, God who am I talking to. I’m not supposed to break the damn fourth wall. Forget that._~~

Clint should’ve stopped, he’ll they shouldn’t even have started. Being miserable and broken and lonely shouldn’t be a good reason to take advantage of a guy whose broken and miserable, and barely getting his shit together. He should’ve stayed away. He should’ve followed the voice inside his head that screamed warning at him when he got too close, enough for his stupid self to get attached. He should’ve been just contented of what they have: a camaraderie, a friendly rivalry, a convenient arrangement.

_Oh, Barton. Clint Barton. Six horrendous love tragedies later, you still won’t learn a thing. Now, look at you. Falling in love with the person you promised you wouldn’t fall for._

  
Okay, he told himself, running a hand over his face as he finished monologuing in front of a mirror. This wasn’t his first rodeo into a shit storm. He’ll just do what he usually does- lock these stupid feelings away, throw the key in the place along with the memories he’s trying to forget, and wait for everything to go back to normal. That should be easy enough.

Except, he’s also starting to notice- aside from the drop dead gorgeous creature that he is, with a personality to fall for- Barnes watching him when he thinks Clint isn’t looking. Barnes thinks he’s sneaky, but Clint is Hawkeye for a reason even if Nat points out an irony in there somewhere, and the way the supposedly over ninety years old curves his lips upward in a secret smile is enough for Clint’s brain to short-circuit. It should be uncomfortable, being a sniper and be watched discreetly by someone, but instead it makes his heart swell- not only because Barnes actually looks like he’s appreciating his humor and geeky side, and even backing him up when he’s being reckless more than Captain America expects him to, but also because a part of his traitorous thoughts is hoping, believing, that they could work. Two brainwashed, fucked up assassins with too much blood on their hands to clean off, but also has a bullheaded friend who are too much for their luck to afford. Aren’t they a pair?

No. No no no.

_“I’m sorry about Steve. He’s just.. You know, his usual self. “_

  
_“I don’t think you’re actually here to apologize? “_

  
_“I figured I should tell you. You know. He doesn’t mean it that way.”_

  
_Aw, Barnes, no._

  
_“Oh, I know he doesn’t mean it. Anyway, it if he does mean it, it won’t make much of a difference. He’s right, out everyone in this team I’m more likely to kick the bucket first. That doesn’t mean I’d just let anything happen to his supersoldier ass, though. America would be so heartbroken. Now Shhh….. Sex now. Feels talks later. “_

He tells himself the same word in a chant everything the other leaves, barely managing to keep his hands from reaching out and his voice saying something incredibly stupid. Instead, he focuses on the bruises, on the pain left on his skin settling down to his muscles. The ache in his bones, and the emptiness that gets better and worse at the same time. Because they’ve never been gentle, not in the slightest. But it is what they can offer each other. It’s a reminder. A punishment. A form of retribution.

He also does the same thing when he gets carried away in their banters slash attempt at flirting. Aw, heart, no.

Barnes has a lot of things ahead of him, and he deserves better than a guy like him. Clint’s only there because he’s a convenient choice, and they just happen to be two broken people looking for simple comfort. No complications. No attachments. God knows what it did to Clint when he involved himself in anyone aside from Natasha. And Barnes, well, he’s just woke up to another era with memories of his old life along with all the things he’s done that’s never ever going to change. Clint is a distraction. And Clint.. Well, he’s good with that. And it’s not like he isn’t getting something in return, right? Bucky is his illusion of something he might have dreamed a long time ago, when he was just a kid.

He just kind of wished he hadn’t fallen for a guy who’s just so good in kitchen, in bed, and in every way he isn’t. But for now, he’s just contented to see him from afar, taking what he can, wondering what part of him made him fall in love the most. This shouldn’t be what he should be doing. But Clint, well, he’s never known for making bright decisions involving feelings. 

* * *

 

It’s hard to do that, Clint immediately panics at the rising conclusion as he sits up horrified one night to a pair of cold and warm arms wrapped around him like a blanket. And it was so wrong, because they never did that- someone always leaves after so in the morning they never have to face each other and pretend it never happened (it was easier that way). Barnes never stayed nor slept in, and now here he was feeling his warmth for the first time where his hands don’t leave anything but comfort.

  
It’s so wrong, because now he thinks he will have to stop himself from asking for more. If he doesn't, the fire that he’s trying to repress is gonna burn him and whatever that binds the two of them together.

  
He scrambles away, as silently as he can. Ignores the longing in his bones that screamed for him to be a little selfish. He leaves the room, not looking back, and then spends the rest of the morning trying not to have a breakdown.

It happens again, two days later. And again, in the same night when Barnes almost looks like he’s too close on the edge of tearing apart.

(Oh, he wants to. He really does. He wants to put a hand on his cheek and wipe the tears spilling out of his face, but then.. He’s not sure if he even deserves to do that. They’re both soaked in blood not their own, and the touch of his own crimson fingers won’t help at all. He’s a distraction, not a comfort.)

Clint is almost tempted to stay, and perhaps wonder what it would feel like to see the other’s hazel eyes open the first time in the morning. Would it feel like spring? Or winter? The question encourages him to leave. He can’t take to know the answer, because he doesn’t even know what hurts more: the temporary warmth, or the unwelcoming cold?

* * *

  
The next time, Barnes wakes up before he does and asks him to stay. Clint thinks he’s already a goner for not being able to say no to his sleepy, vulnerable face.

Aw, heart.

In the morning, he wakes up to a terrified James Barnes, scooting away from him like he’s the one burning. He ducks his head, and says a string of mumbled apologies.

And runs.

Aw, heart, no. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know how this happened, I didn't know when I started seeing Winterhawk= angst galore. 
> 
> But it gets better. I swear.

**Author's Note:**

> How was it? I'd love to hear from you in the comments. Will add more tags in the later chapters.


End file.
